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6/23/10 02:11 am

I was angry / tired and ended up taking 8 migraine relief pills (250mg acetaminophen, 250mg aspirin, 65mg caffeine each.) I don't usually overdose that much (rarely ever got past 5 in one sitting,) especially with a combined tablet, so I made sure to call poison control and they said I should be alright. I let Adam know but he got worried, told me mum, and then she made me check myself into the ER. It was in a way a complete waste of time, because I didn't really get to sleep much, and someone else who was in a far worse condition could have been admitted instead. I was completely fine, I felt fine, everything was fine. But I still had to stay there ALL night/morning with an IV in my arm and wasn't discharged until around 2pm. I was still angry of course, but later I felt sorry because he was at my side (sort of, I wouldn't allow him in my room) without rest the entire time just to make sure I'd be okay. earlier that night I shunned him away and returned all his things, but after I was discharged and returned home I knew that I was wrong. I even warned him a few days prior that my mood may change, I am uncontrollable but at least I can tell when it will happen. this time, however, I went overboard and took more pills every time the pain would hit. I did stop though, at 8, because I've never taken this painkiller before, I'm usually prone to overdosing on ibuprofen, and I guess I was concerned myself. anyway, after I returned home, I ended up taking off on the bus to apologize to him. he kept saying that I shouldn't have to say sorry, but I still feel sorry because I know what it feels like to be shoved out and I don't wish him to suffer through that. perhaps I am too compassionate for my own good, but I still care and I still love him. I have a psych evaluation tomorrow afternoon, it's about time I go. I always need that extra push, so I guess this was it. I don't think this event was really that serious, at least not like the worst time I've overdosed which sent me to the intensive care and a three day hospital stay. I still feel angry, and in all honesty I wish that I would have taken more pills and just died and gotten it over with (even though it wasn't really my intention, but I don't think it would have mattered anyway), ....at least I have a psych evaluation tomorrow. I have a little bit of hope in me left. but just a sliver.

2/24/10 01:37 pm

How much do I love you? I'll tell you no lie...
How deep is the ocean? How high is the sky?

How many times in a day do I think of you?
How many roses are sprinkled with dew?

How far would I travel to be where you are?
How far is the journey from here to a star?
And if I ever lost you, how much would I cry?
How deep is the ocean... how high is the sky?

2/18/10 03:30 am

Dirty cat died yesterday... as we were about to pull into the driveway, I saw him laying in the middle of the street and freaked out. Adam went up to him first and said that he looked too big to be dirty cat, but it was him.... and it was such a disturbing sight to see him that way. I tried so hard not to cry and it made me feel weird all night. They buried him in the backyard. He was such a sweet, polite cat... his fur always looked dirty, but that was just the way it was colored, and he liked to hang out in the bathroom. He was the first of the kittens to learn how to use the litter box. He liked to keep to himself, and his personality was so mature I always imagined him to have an English accent. Adam said that he was always the one to make the litter box smell badly, and that lightened up the night, but only for a second. I feel really bad for Lizzie because that was his brother and best friend, and they were always together, you could ask anyone in the neighborhood.... so Blackie (Lizzie) took a nap with us, and I'm not sure if he knows yet... maybe he does but is too young to understand and hasn't had enough time to feel the absence. the year has started badly... first bubbles goes missing, and now dirty cat is gone....

2/16/10 09:09 am

Maybe you really are a scumbag....  Maybe I'm wrong for allowing you to have what you don't deserve. I don't know why I can't just tell you to fuck off and take everything. This really  hurt me, and it's going to take so much longer to recover... and I don't really think you can handle to be responsible for the consequences of your stupid dirty ways.

2/15/10 10:50 am

I love belly drilling and cardio belly dance workout. I gained five pounds last year, and I think over the winter an extra five. I'm used to just drilling and belly workout, but now I'm also going to watch what I eat. I checked my weight once last week, and again today and so far I've lost three pounds. I'm also trying to work on having a positive conscious, and hopefully it will affect my unconscious will. As disappointed with losing only three pounds knowing that I could have done a lot better, I'm proud that I didn't resort to starving myself to get there. I'm going to need to get used to this, controlling what will affect my will.... think positive, think positive! And now I'm off to calling up to make an appointment with a new therapist. I feel it is up to me to be the first to compromise... so in order to overcome my fears and insecurities, instead of lingering on what I don't want, I will try to focus on what I *do* want.
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